I realized it was more than self-validation.
I thought I had come upon this fantastic, super effective way to finally fill the bottomless cup inside me. The bottomless cup that made me fight with my husband because he couldn't fill my dark void; that made me scream inside for validation while my sloshy words spilt across our relationship.
My mother, in her wise-woman wisdom, suggested I make my own lists of my sacrifices and my contributions. The ones the hand-wringing woman inside me wailed on and on about unabashedly--I normally keep her on a short leash, but she tragically broke free the other day and caused quite a stir.
Lack of validation was making me feel 70% bad. But even perfectly worded validation from my husband would only make me feel 20% good. Meaning- he couldn't fix it.
In other words, his validation couldn't fill me, no matter what he said. Sigh for me. Sigh for him.
This epiphany made me eager to try out these lists. This was now about me, not about him.
Sacrifices. Contributions. I scribbled down the words. I connected with the Light before I started and asked My Maker for help.
And more than an epiphany occurred.
Sacrifices. I finished the list. There were big items. I read through the list. And sighed. But this time, a good, deep satisfied sigh. And an empty space inside me filled. Deep satisfaction flooded me. "Worth it," my Soul said to me.
Contributions. I finished the list. It was long. I read through the list. And laughed. A bubble of joy. And Light flooded me. Deep, knowing Light. It filled me in a way that no other compliment or accolade ever had- because it stayed. Compliments and accolades faded like the last bite of a cookie that just made you want another. But not this Light. It was jubilant. Otherworldly. Steady. Independent. Like it would not matter if I never got complimented again because that once empty space had a no vacancy sign. And the wailing woman could finally rest.
And I was like, "self-validation rocks!"
I walked around for a week talking about how this was the solution.
But today I realized that it was more than self-validation.
It was Source-Validation.
I tried a couple more times to self-validate and it just sorta fell flat. "What is wrong with my miraculous solution," I wondered with a crinkled heart.
I left out the miracle.
My self-validation worked because I had connected to Source. Connected to the Light. Something Beyond me had helped with the miracle. That was what filled the dark space with Light as I read my sacrifices and contributions. It told me a True thing.
And so the flooding of joy and satisfaction was not beyond me, but from Beyond me, and ever accessible.