Sunday, July 30, 2017

body sacred

I claimed it.  I said, “I am the authority here.”

I held my marshmallowy, post c-section belly in my hand and said, “Thank you. I love you. You are sacred.” I am the authority here. I get to determine if my belly is sacred. I get to send it love. I get to say it is sacred just as it is, without any nipping, without flatness, without a six pack. I get to determine that I love my belly. I get to determine that I show love and gratitude to my belly. Gratitude for my babies. For all the good work digesting my food. For its guidance when I say, “I feel it in my gut.”

(A side note-- I used to think it all was pretty organized, back there behind the skin. I saw the science transparency layovers in a book-- “here’s the digestive’s the reproductive system, here’s the’s the nerves….here’s how the blood flows…” Then one day, the doctor doing my diagnostic surgery handed me photos of my innards, explaining all the webbing of the scar tissue. It just looked like a big jumbled stew in there. Not neatly organized. Just a squishy soup of organs.)

After I put my hand on my belly, I put my hands on each other part of my body and said the same. My foot. My shoulder. My ears. My whole body. “Thank you. I love you. You are sacred.”

Do I determine the sacredness and beauty of my body or do I bow the knee and pass my scepter of authority to another?

This authority to determine our own worth, our own sacredness, has been stripped from us. By magazines, by the beauty and diet and fashion industries. And they did it on purpose so that we would feel so terrible that we would spend any amount of money to reclaim what is naturally our right. Our right to say, “I am beautiful. I am sacred.” Instead we compare ourselves to the airbrushing and say, “I am ugly. I am not enough. Here is my money. Please do what you promised.” And they take our money and laugh. And the cycle starts again.

But what if we reclaimed it? What if we looked around, told them all to go to hell, and just said, “I am beautiful. I am sacred.” How would we feel? How would we treat ourselves? What would happen if that were our self-talk all day long, instead of “I am fat. I don’t have a thigh gap. I am ugly. No one tells me I’m beautiful. I am worthless.” Thigh gap. Good grief.

Feel the difference in those words. Beautiful, sacred. Ugly, worthless.

Feel the elevation of the sacred. Feel the devastation, the twisted deception, the starvation, the cruelty of the lies. Feel the light vs. darkness.

And if you haven’t noticed that those dark words are part of your self-talk, just listen. What are those voices saying as you get dressed, as you do your makeup, as you read that magazine? And then, when your awareness dawns, make a new choice.

It was an unconscious choice to give away our authority. But it is a conscious choice to take it back. Choose to see the magnificence. Choose to see the wonder. The wonder of the pores of your skin. The miracle of sensory perception-- we can hug and feel loved! Wiggle your toes. See the sunset. And realize there is so much more than the neon lie arrows pointing at you saying you’re not enough. You are enough because you are sacred. See that you are sacred. You are the authority. Choose that you are sacred. Hold yourself sacred.

This isn’t just for you. This is for all our little girls.

In third grade I listened to a rectangular shaped girl say to the willowy shaped girls, “I weigh 75 pounds!” She owned it, she claimed it. But, instead of saying, “Way to stand up to the man, yo!” my little 8-year old self darkened, thinking… I weigh 85 pounds. That must mean I am fat. That must mean I am less-than. Hide. And the next year when I came back to school as a fourth grader, I bragged about how I had skipped breakfast.

I look back at photos of myself at that age in a swimsuit. And I was just normal. But I thought I was less-than. And so it began.

Instead of waiting around for my particular body type to reach some magazine cover as the body type of the decade, today I choose that I am beautiful. I choose that I am valuable. I choose that I am sacred. I choose that my body is sacred. No one else is the authority here. I am the authority.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

body conversation

What if I could talk to my body and it could talk back? What if all my little cells in my body could get together for a conference and I could ask them questions and they could give me feedback? What would they say to me?

I tried it out. I got out my notebook, meditated to connect to the light, and started writing down questions I had for my body, and the thoughts that came back to me from my body.

I am sharing this with you because the more I say out loud, the more souls I find that feel like I do, that have had similar experiences, but feel that they are alone, like I did, in feeling what they feel. So, just in case you need to know that you’re not alone….

Here’s our conversation.

Me: Hello Body. What will it take for you to drop 50 pounds? Sending you so much love and light-- and gratitude. Thank you for bearing the emotional load and the OCD work and still staying alive and trying to heal. I have tried so many different things. There are so many voices telling me to do it their way. What do you need? I am listening.

Body: You have been unkind to us for many, many years. With ugly self -talk and demanding performance without providing rest, rejuvenation, sustenance-- just pushing harder.

Me: You are right. I am sorry.

Body: And yet you would do it again. If we gave you energy, pain-free existence, health, fitness, you would run again, and drive us, aging, into the ground. We are trying to stay alive, and that is why we don’t heal completely. To keep you on a leash. You need to govern your will. You need to learn kindness and compassion and really good self-care before we free you. You are like a little child that hasn’t learned boundaries.

Me: Well that’s hard to hear. I thought I’d made progress.

Body: You have. And thus you see the increase in energy and decrease in pain as a result. But we will not yield until you progress in this area. Be kinder. Sleep earlier. Better food. And better self-talk. While you have also progressed here-- self talk not so ugly, examine it further. You strain at the bit, and long to run without resting-- your frustration is reflected in your self-talk. We feel your frustrated self-talk and we fear death. We know you would run us into the ground, and so we resist you. We bind you. We chain you. You are barely healing, and you expect to run hard, as if this had all never happened. Your unrealistic expectations affect us, hurt us. We fear them. We fear you. And so we won’t cooperate. We will release you by degrees, to the degree that you are patient, kind, wise and are not frustrated with us- no frustrated self-talk. Get zen and accept what is at the moment. Show us this real change, this zen. Show us real love and compassion. And we will learn to not fear you, and set you free. [End conversation.]

Thoughts on the conversation.

I was particularly surprised at the disgruntled nature of the “body-talk” thoughts that came back to me, when I felt like I had made so much progress. Also, at the idea that my body was digging in its heels on my freedom. I have been making progress, feeling significantly better-- more on that later. And so this little revolt, was honestly the last thing I expected. But I mean-- really, what can you actually expect when you do such a weird thing like have a conversation with your body. But I’m really, really glad that I did. Cuz-- wow.